*I decided to delete my post about Mark until I improve it. For now, enjoy this post as its replacement:
Ok this isn’t a story about the Will from last time. At some point in my life, I had hooked up with this guy named Willy. Sort of. Actually, he just looks like this other guy who I had met, named Willy, so I will use it to disguise his true identity. Anyway.
[Somehow, we start making out at his place.]
Me: “Umm, I actually can’t make out with you.”
Willy: “Why not?”
Me: “Well, you have a boyfriend.”
Willy: “Ok.”
Me: “I just don’t want 2 people’s spit in my mouth.”
Willy: “Ok…”
[Willy proceeds to use his tongue on my body. As always, I try to fall asleep.]
Willy: “Now do some dirty talk.
[I wake up immediately.]
Me: “Come again?”
Willy: “Yea, just like that, keep going.”
Me: “No, I mean, uhh, what?”
Willy: “Dirty talk. Do some dirty talk.”
Me: “Oh. Ok. Umm… That’s a nice thing you’re doing there.”
Willy: “Come on, dirtier.”
[Willy proceeds to go down]
Me: “Oh, that is really not bad.”
Willy: “You like the way I suck your cock.”
Me: “Yes. It is truly an experience.”
Willy: “Want me to play with your balls.”
Me: “It’s up to you really.”
Willy: “Dirty. Make it dirty.”
Me: “Balls are dirty.”
Willy: “Right, keep going.”
Me: “Oh, yes, keep licking my private area.”
Willy: “How does it feel?”
Me: “It feels sort of invasive and awkward.”
Willy: “You’ve never talked dirty before, have you?”
Me: “I thought we agreed we were just going to cuddle.”
Willy: “Nevermind. Keep trying.”
Me: “Umm… so…”
Willy: “Ok now you do me.”
[Willy shows Tim his Willy]
Me: “Oh it’s okay, I already had a big dinner.”
Willy: “I’m not asking you to eat my cock. Just suck it.”
[Tim tries the virgin card]
Me: “Well, you know, since I’m only 19, I’ve never actually done this before, and it is just too much for me right now.”
Willy: “It’s not even that big, come on.”
Tim: “It’s almost average sized, don’t sell yourself short.”
Willy: “Thanks. Just lick it then.”
Tim: “Uhhh… I guess… I have to…”
[Tim closes his eyes and sticks out his tongue. He gives the penis a tiny lick and then backs off, repulsed, as if a puppy took a lick of another dog’s shit by accident.]
Willy: “Mmm, keep going at it baby.”
[Tim notices that Willy closed his eyes. Tim uses his hand and yanks on Willy’s thing for a bit, instead of using his mouth. Tim thinks he’s slick.]
Willy: “Come on, suck it.”
[Tim wants to go home and watch Avatar]
Willy: “Come on, talk dirty.”
Tim: “How am I supposed to suck your dick and talk at the same time?”
Willy: “Well you’re not exactly sucking anything. Even though I did you.”
Tim: “Hey, you did that on your own free will, Willy. Freee Wiiilly!”
Willy: “Right. Ok I’ll just do you again.”
Tim: “No, don’t, you don’t have to.”
Willy: “I want to. Just talk dirty to me.”
Tim: “Ok sure.”
Willy: “You have a nice big cock.”
Tim: “Why thank you. You know, it’s really just average sized, but I’m lucky so many men out there aren’t even average so mine just seems big.”
Willy: “Yea, keep talking about your cock.”
Tim: “That’s pretty much all there is to say about it.”
Willy: “Say something dirty.”
Tim: “Something dirty. Ha.”
Willy: “You’re not really good at this, are you?”
Tim: “What? The dirty talk?”
Willy: “No, all of it.”
Tim: “Ok, this is going in my blog.”
Willy: “What?”
Tim: “Nevermind. What do you mean, I’m not good at it? I totally did some good dirty talk back there.”
Willy: “No you didn’t. Anyway, keep trying.”
Tim: “Oh, I thought we already finished.”
Willy: “What are you talking about?”
Tim: “Well, I already came.”
Willy: “What? No you didn’t.”
Tim: “Oh, when I come, it’s like, no actual cum comes out because, well, my doctor said that my testicles do not produce semen, so when I come, it’s like nothing even comes out, but I’ve came anyway.”
Willy: “Are you serious? You didn’t even make a noise.”
Tim: “Yea, since there is no semen or anything, there’s no need for me to get theatrical about it.”
Willy: “Well I didn’t come yet.”
Tim: “I thought you did.”
Willy: “Nope.”
Tim: “Oh, I’m sorry, I just thought you came like me or something.”
Willy: “I don’t know anyone who comes like you.”
Tim: “I find that my way is the most sanitary way to do it.”
Willy: “You’re a real character. Anyway keep talking dirty to me so I can cum.”
Tim: “Really? You want me to talk more?”
Willy: “You need the practice. Go on.”
Tim: “Ok. Umm. Jerk that meat. One two three! Gooo meat!!”
Willy: “Damn Tim you don’t have to be a cheerleader about it.”
Tim: “I’m trying to figure out a good angle to approach this.”
Willy: “Stop thinking so much. Don’t you watch porn?”
Tim: “Yea. Ok I got a good one. Ok. Here I go. Oh uhh, baby, keep tugging that thing of yours and climax at some point.”
Willy: “That was your good one?”
Tim: “More dirty, right? Ok. Let me see. Oh, baby, when you jerk off, I don’t feel bored at all. Instead, I feel like I am watching a movie with no real plot or-“
Willy: “Tim! Come on!”
Tim: “Ok! Umm, uhh, oh, Willy, what you are doing is so hot.”
Willy: “That’s better. Keep going.”
Tim: “It’s so hot, it almost makes me forget how cold it will be when I make my way home later. It’s a good thing I bought those gloves-
[Finally, Willy cums all over himself. Tim is relieved.]
Willy: “Whew, that was good.”
Tim: “Really? You thought that was good?”
Willy: “My coming was good. Your dirty talk still needs some work.”
Tim: “Ha, that’s an understatement.”
Willy: “I don’t want to discourage you from trying.”
Tim: “You’re a real nice guy.”
Willy: “You’ll get it down some day.”
Tim: “I think all that ejaculating has made you delirious.”
Willy: “Why don’t you focus all your energy on kidding around into something sexual.”
Tim: “Hey, so you think my jokes are any good?”
Willy: “Did I laugh once?”
Tim: “No, not really.”
Willy: “Well, there you go, haha.”
Tim: “Dick!”
Willy: “I’m just kidding, no, your jokes were good. Kind of inappropriate for what we were doing, but it’s not bad.”
Tim: “Maybe I should start up a comedy routine every time I hook up with a guy.”
Willy: “No, I don’t think so.”
Tim: “It’s so much easier than talking dirty though.”
Willy: “You just need more practice. Keep going out, keep meeting people.”
Tim: “Well, I am going to Chuck E. Cheese tomorrow.”
Willy: “Uh, I didn’t mean there.”
Tim: “Ha. Anyway, I’m gonna go out and find a cab.”
Willy: “I’ll take you.”
And Willy came out and helped me find a cab a few blocks away.
And they lived happily ever after.
