So I decided to write another blog with an imaginary boyfriend. I’ve always wondered what kinds of arguments I might have with a bf, considering what a passive guy I am. Here’s how it turned out:
Walter: “Let’s go out tonight.”
Tim: “But my Ugly Betty torrent just finished downloading.”
Walter: “You can watch that later, let’s hit up the clubs.”
Tim: “You just want to show me off.”
<Walter can’t help but roll his eyes>
Walter: “You’re right, my friends really want to see you.”
Tim: “The loud ones? Yuck.”
Walter: “Tim! We never do anything! We’ve turned into one of those boring couples!”
Tim: “Turned into?”
Walter: “You know what I mean!”
Tim: “Didn’t we just go out like, that time we went out not too long ago?”
Walter: “If you’re talking about the time we met, the answer is no, you made me drive over to your place, where you analyzed me in the lobby for an hour before letting me in. That hardly constitutes as ‘going out.’”
Tim: “That makes no sense. How would I know your friends are annoying if I never actually went outside with you?”
Walter: “You never met them! You just automatically assumed they were annoying.”
Tim: “Well, are they?”
Walter: “Yea, sort of, but come on Tim, let’s do it. Let’s hit up Splash.”
Tim: “That cheese dump?”
Walter: “Or Therapy! Wherever you want!”
Tim: “That place is so damn loud. They should call it ‘Not Therapy.’ Haha.”
Walter: “Good one. Alright, what about Posh?”
Tim: “Nah, I’ve been there with Jonathan. Too many memories.”
Walter: “Who’s Jonathan?”
Tim: “Some guy who’s nothin’ like you. He was this really hot Puerto Rican – Italian mix. Hey, maybe you could get a tan.”
Walter: “I told you, my skin turns red.”
Tim: “Are you albino?”
Walter: “For the fifth time today, no I am not an albino.”
Tim: “Hey, wanna have sex?”
Walter: “Don’t play with me like that.”
Tim: “Haha, I just wanted to see how you’d react.”
Walter: “Speaking of which, what do I have to do to make you put out this Saturday?”
Tim: “You could do my laundry again.”
Walter: “Fine. Anything else?”
Tim: “Ooohhh I get more??”
Walter: “Well the last time I did your goddamn laundry you cut the intimacy short by yellin’ ‘Adam!’”
Tim: “Yea, he was another hot Latin dude. You’d think that after a half a year I’d get over them already.”
Walter: “You’d think.”
Tim: “There was a third guy too, named Dave.”
Walter: “Didn’t you disguise his name as ‘Danny’?”
Tim: “Yea, he was soooo hot. I can’t decide who’s hotter, Dave, Adam, or Jonathan. I mean they really made up for my not getting any at all during 2008. 2009 was a real win win win. 2010 so far looks pale in comparison.”
Walter: “That’s it. There’s only so much abuse I can take.”
Tim: “What? Oh, no, I didn’t mean you! I meant it like a metaphor. I guess I can see how it can apply to your situation though.”
Walter: “Enough! I’m outta here. My therapist told me dating you was a bad idea, no matter how sort of attractive you are compared to me at least.”
Tim: “Hey, I have feelings.”
Walter: “Yea, well so do I! And it’d be nice if we could be intimate once in a while without me having to ‘Promise to take out your garbage for a month’ or ‘Pick up Boston Market on Wednesdays.’”
Tim: “And Sundays.”
Walter: “And Sundays.”
Tim: “It’s like a little pick-me-up right before a Monday.”
Walter: “Right, and by the way, I think Boston Market’s disgusting.”
Tim: “What is wrong with you?”
Walter: “We’re just completely incompatible in every way possible, especially with the sex, if I can call it that.”
Tim: “I just don’t think the scenario of licking your crooked cock’s mushroom tip poses as a viable option of ‘a good time’”
Walter: “When have I ever asked you to do that? And it’s not crooked you jerk.”
Tim: “Bent. Whatever.”
Walter: “It’s not bent either! You’d know if you ever saw it!”
Tim: “Didn’t I give you a hand tuggy once?”
Walter: “No, it was someone-“
Tim: “Someone else, yea, I just remembered.”
Walter: “I thought you said you didn’t date anyone right before me.”
Tim: “I didn’t.”
Walter: “You mean… you did that with someone, DURING me??”
Tim: “No, I was lying from the get go, I never gave anyone a hand tuggy.”
Walter: “I have your word? You really didn’t cheat?”
Tim: “Walter. Would I ever go out of my way to engage in any sort of physical intimacy willingly?
Walter: “Point taken.”
Tim: “Anyway, so you were saying?”
Walter: “Yea so I’m breaking up with you.”
Tim: “Umm, that’s so sad. I hope we can stay friends. Hey, can you press play on the computer for me before you go? And then bring me the mouse? It’s cordless.”
Walter: “Fuck you.”
Tim: “Aww, tear.”
Walter: “That’s not funny.”
Tim: “Come on, you’re closer.”
Walter: “Don’t write this on your blog.”
Tim: “I won’t, promise.”
<Walter presses play and then leaves. The bastard forgot to bring me the mouse though. The end. Good riddance.>
Any similarities or likeness between this blog and my threesome blog are not intentional and are purely coincidental. Or maybe I should’ve just named him Gene again.